it takes two.

we fight. we yell. we get angry.

but dammit we WORK.

i love my life. :]

and in 16 weeks we will be welcoming a beautiful girl.

im so thankful for his hard work.

and for all he is.

he is perfect and man alive i may not have wanted to admit it out of pride...but i missed him.

i heard this song and it reminded me of us....we've come a long way:

Lessons learned, bridges burned to the ground,
And it's too late now to put out the fire,
Tables turned, and I'm the one who's burning now,
Well I'm doing alright,
'Til I close my eyes
And then I see your face,
And it's no surprise.

[Chorus:]
Just like that I'm crawling back to you,
Just like you said I would yeah,
I swallow my pride,
Now I'm crawling back to you,
I'm out of my head,
Can't wait any longer,
Down on my knees, I thought I was stronger,
Just like that, like you said I'd do,
I'm crawling back to you.

Time can heal, but the scars only hide the way you feel,
And it's hard to forget how I left you hanging
On by a thread, when everything is said, I will regret it, yeah,
I was doin' alright, thought I could make it,
Then I see your face and it's hard to fake it.

[Chorus:]
Just like that I'm crawling back to you,
Just like you said I would yeah,
I swallow my pride,
Now I'm crawling back to you,
I'm out of my head,
Can't wait any longer,
Down on my knees, I thought I was stronger,
Just like that, like you said I'd do,
I'm crawling back to you.

If you could find a way, to forgive everything, I know you would.
And I would take it all back, give if only I knew that I could.

Lessons learned, bridges burned to the ground.
And it's too late now, to put out the fire.

[Chorus:]
Just like that I'm crawling back to you,
Just like you said I would yeah,
I swallow my pride,
Now I'm crawling back to you,
I'm out of my head,
Can't wait any longer,
Down on my knees, I thought I was stronger,
Just like that, like you said I'd do,
I'm crawling back to you.

I'm crawling back to you [3x]

what is dis?

reconciliation.

keeping it low key.

but we have reconciled.

:]

ill keep you posted.

i wish i could pretend

that i dont love him.

but i do.

and since his revelation.

things have had me buckling.

like, my guard is down.

and im in love still. im having trouble hiding it.

we have a date, when we go on our family trip.

i want my family back.

apology?

we break up last year.

this year his best friend is going through a rough time with his wife.

and i get an instant message with an apology.

for the words, the loneliness and the abandonment.

WHAT?

its too little but there isnt a too late i guess.

when you had a future and a life planned. it always helps to hear "i was wrong and you are perfect" maybe he didnt use those words. but the words he used led me to believe he understands i didnt deserve how things ended up.

where it came from and what it means i dont know, i was too afraid to ask.

but its a step.

i send a lot of time at his house, and its not relationshipesque. thats a lie. theres no kissing or handholding, but we treat each other as friends with such respect sometimes that its confusing and weird.

but i have gotten more attention from others lately and it boosts my ego and confidence : ]

regardless, having him say those apology words and show me more appreciation lately has made me feel better about things. who knows?

positivity.

okay. we're going to focus on the positive.

because i realize blogging can lead to the outpour of negative thoughts and thats not my life. my life is beautiful and happy.

taxes should be coming in soon.... ;]

im having an amazing month at work, and though my ranking has fallen, i should still be making a bit of money this month.

my lil j is healthy and wonderful.

we spent the entire day yesterday on our "date day".

we slept in, then i took him to ihop and then we went to the blazer game : ]

then we came back to X's house and spent some time just the three of us. how wonderful is that?

im excited for taxes, and i keep thinking about the grand things i could do with them! new clothes for J and I, new shoes, ive been planning to get X j and i matching jerseys with J's last name and the number 27 for awhile now...i could get those....i could go out to a big steak dinner....

i could give my foster parents some money...donate some of it....

in reality i know whats going to happen. because i try to be as fiscally responsible as possible.

im gonna pay off one of my debts. give X 800$ of it (after all, we shared Jude and he is a good daddy), pay a month or two ahead on the car and....well nothing else because that will consume all of it. sigh.

being responsible sucks sometimes.

;]

but all is great because this will come at the PERFECT time. and bills will be taken care of and J will be provided for. i wish i had more play money. but luckily X decided he is gonna use some of his to take us to a Blazer Game, Lexus Club :]

i love these times...being good parents is awesome...being good parents at blazer games is just somehow better :]

trying

i get so frustrated.

i wish i had answers.

i deserve chivalry.

and love.

and someone to treat me the way i want to treat him.

i wish i knew.

on the upside...we are doing amazing for J.

J is happy and it is making me smile as i type this that we are doing so well despite my ability to push the past away.

i love my life. im so blessed.

to be blunt or not to be? that is the question.

sigh.

sometimes our level of comfort leads to a lack of judgement.

X and i slept together the other night.

does it mean anything? not really. aside from the love that still makes it comforting and no stress.

ive been talking to other people that show interest and promise and are full of the new intrigue and relationship adrenaline and i wonder about them.

i have nothing really interesting to say. but im just thinking about it.