what is "seeing?"

seeing someone.

im seeing someone.

he is seeing someone.

but what does that even mean?

in my case it means i have found a wonderful person who is still recovering from the last woman who hurt him, and it means i spend amazing time with him. the last month getting to know him has been wonderful, even though i didnt get the chemistry at first, im glad i stuck around to see more.

in X's case, im pretty sure it means sleeping together, and only being exclusive in bed.

not gonna lie, he keeps bringing her up, bringing her around our son a couple times, and lying to me about any and everything. it feels as though he is trying to get under my skin and i dont understand why.

Do you want to hurt me? lets be real, it stings. i was going to marry him. even though im seeing someone else it doesnt make hurt go away.

what is the whole point? offering me the sweets that she bakes, or pointing out the things she does for you, or lying about her interactions with my son. i dont understand it. and to be honest, it pisses me off. i dont want to see him, or be around him. because its like a slap in the face.

sometimes this whole thing gets the better of me and i wish things that i shouldnt.

bottom line, is for the most part i bite my tongue because i know hours later my mind will again acknowledge the most important part: while he is immature and sometimes even downright cold, he is the most amazing father to our son and i love who he is, even if im not in love with it anymore.

we got through our first christmas as an "unconventional family" and even through one of Judes birthdays. He has a tendency to spend too much on Christmas, and since i celebrated hanukkah this year, i pulled most of the weight for J's birtday, even though X makes about 8$ more an hour.

yeah.

its hard sometimes not not punch him in the groin.

but you know what? the broken families are the ones that act on those impulses, and im not going to be another fucking statistic.

together or not, we're a family and i have to preserve that balance...

but one of these days ill need some convincing of that. so please be kind : )

2 years as a family!

today is Little's birthday and I am spending time with him, family and friends and X at X's house.

two years we have been parents, and we have done a great job. Little j has NEVER known a difference!

i can, for suresies.

but if j doesnt, thats all that matters!

happy birthday Little! im proud of you!

now get off Mahmee's blog and go to the one meant for you : ]

http://dear-julian.blogspot.com/

Thank you to Big J, for being a wonderful wonderful person.

does he read this? hell know, but you can betcher ass i told him in person today...many many times....Thanks heavens for him and i falling in love back in the day: ]

this is ROUGH!

its SO frustrating!

right now J is at a basketball game with another woman.

oh stop, ive only been broken up with my ex fiancee for 6 months...it can still burn that he is at "our" blazers game with another lady.

but i think one of the other things that stings...is that he can afford to do those things, and i cant let him know how much i struggle.

the last time i went to a blazer game i had saved all my spare monies, money that likely should have gone to other things, and bought us tickets to a game for J's birthday.

i didnt use that money to go to the movies with the guy im seeing.

i didnt use the money to go out to dinner with friends.

i did it for us as a family, and i kinda feel stupid for doing that, vulnerable, and dumb.

fuck.

i just want to have the money J has. :(

he is living my life, the life i used to have, and i have dropped 6.50 an hour in salary.

oy.vey.

i know its gonna get better. just gotta keeping right?

just keep swimming, just keep swimming....

goodness im such a mother : ]

i want to slam your head...in a car door

and put your nethers in a vice.

yes.

i am saying it.

and i have a feeling its going to be harder than i thought.

im refraining from sending the messages i want to.

because i love my son.

fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou.

happy hanukkah!

blazer game with the boys!

Big J and little j, what begins with J?

joel przybilla! my dreamboat, arriving back at the game in almost a year!

scarped and skimped for tickets for J's birtday present.

for the past 3 years we have gone to blazer games and celebrated our birthdays together! we thought it shouldnt be any different because we werent in a relationship!

took J with us, and had a great birthday slash hanukkah!

love our blazers and family days!

sigh.

i wont lie.

i wont say its easy.

being "exes" is not easy.

because sometimes i want to slam his head in a car door.

other times i wish he would cuddle me just because he already knows how to make me feel better.

i dont wanna spend the time training another to know me.

but dang it...the easy part is being a good parent....

its so easy to just love our son.

its just not easy to love each other.

after about 5 months his daddy can now say "i love you" in a platonic way without worrying im going to fall madly in love with him again. it feels good that he can say those words.

after we split, immediately he transformed into "dexter morgan" minus the serial killing. he became emotionless, void, empty of feelings.

he wouldnt say he loved me even as a person.

but he is there for me. i try to be there for him as much as he lets me.

i hate letting him call the shots on our friendship. but at least there is one to try and salvage.

we are doing so good for Julians sake.

you can read Julians blog here:

www.dear-julian.blogspot.com

ive been working that one since shortly after Jude was born.

sometimes i really just miss being a family.

sometimes....

i think i am not only missing Little, but also missing Big. even if its just for the company.

im so so grateful to have him as Little's daddy.

but dont tell him i said that. : ]

hard day

on all counts we are having a hard time.

J and i fought recently. one of only 2 times since our "divorce".

his schedule has changed. again. like his work promised it wouldnt.

our close family friends are moving 4 hours away. Miss Carrie was Judes nanny for awhile and their family is very close to Judes heart. it hurts me that he is going to say goodbye to someone so early on. i dont want him to feel missing.

J's car, my car, and my brothers car has gone on the fritz.

all wont start. and it hurts my heart. i long SO much to call jamie, just because for the past x amount of years we have been best friends, talking to each other during hard times, and lets be honest....its not the same. he doesnt have to be invested in me or my feelings, and often time doesnt even humor me. but i know he is stressed.

we maintain a good relationship, im pleased with it. though he is "seeing" someone else right now, and i am doing my thing, we do pretty decently. he isnt the same person he used to be, and i wish i could read him better and i truly wish we could just maintain being best friends. but its not gonna happen. no matter how hard i try.

this sunday we get a break, taking jude to the blazer game vs the clippers. one of our favorite family past times. :]

he has had a rough week: the car, and overdrawing his account my a stupid website taking his money 4x, and then his mainline for plumbing (always feel like im spelling that wrong) backing up and causing flooding and such.

i wish he would talk to me.

im more jealous of the blossoming friendships that he has than anything else.

but ive been having amazing times with my son.

i miss him when he isnt here, though i know he has the greatest dad known to man, i miss him.

while money is still tighter than i want it to be, i said it best when i said

"how blessed am i that all i lack is money?"

story of my life.

and now for some photos because, as a photographer, photos make my world brighter and capture the best memories. :]

this is the reason i get to be a Mahmee.
Mahmee and Judith.
love you boo.

god he makes me so happy.

Big J and Me.

Big J and little back in the day. 3 days old.
little at the blazer game. with Bunny in tow.
Daddy loves his boy.

little update

i feel good. i miss my son all the time; filling my days without him with work helps a ton.

i love where im at.

little's daddy is seeing someone new, not serious. it stings a little, because while ive felt things for others, it still smarts he wants to be with others. the classic "i dont want you to move on" thing.

i dont know that it will ever go away.

but still.

things are great.

money will pick up soon im thinking and i can hardly wait to return to giving Little the life he deserves.

as for me. i need to get back into the gym something fierce.

i also need to stp forgetting my laptop charger when i leave places. will be sans laptop for a few days.

sigh.

will i ever learn?

i met someone.

im not seeing him.

but feeling these types of feelings helps me to know that there is life after breaking off an engagement.

im not looking for anything. nor am i pursuing it actively. but its liberating to know that i can get to that point :] its strange how even a possibility of something can be motivation.

i wont lie, i like that i feel attractive and coveted. so sue me. everyone likes to be thought about.

my son is my priority.

getting healthy and in shape is a priority.

whatever finds me in the meantime and embraces those goals and my priorities will be welcomed with open arms.

life is gonna be different, good.

big J and i took jude and some friends to a blazer game last night. being surrounded by our mutual friends and family helped me to feel ultimate support and love, even while we are not together. it wasnt awkward; no one needed to walk on eggshells.

it was a good time. and i feel confident we will be able to overcome it all with them.

i have a really good life.

im so blessed.

October is...

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

and Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

im thinkign today about all the Survivors, the Fighters, the Mothers and the Babies.

one day the numbers we see as reality now will be smaller.

Love you Rene, Gramma, Nikki.....

and everyone else out there.

im grateful for my boob health and my son.

and i dont take it for granted.

we take the disfunction out of dysfunctional. or something like that.

so last night.

drinking.

my word.

it felt nice to be back with family.

my best friend April and her daughter Juliet were here. Juliet is 4 months older than little j.

my brother was here, and our friends Cody and Jesse.

we had a great ngiht. after the kids went to bed we had a few drinks and just talked and played games :]

its nice to feel functional with j's dad and our families.

staying at Js.

last night i came down to Js house to stay the weekend. today is a family friends birthday party for their sons, and we wanted to go as a family. also, tomorrow we are taking j to the pumpkin patch.

its frustrating, dont get me wrong, because J asks me to do things and mentions multiple times that its his house, yet i know he likes my company. he even arranged for some booze to be here tonight so i can have a drink since ive had a rough week.

while sometimes i wish we were in love again so we could be a completer family, other times im happy being apart from him, and not talking to him.

its weird how the relationship dynamic between exes is for different people when a child is involved. luckily we are two dedicated people who want the best for him.

i LOVE seeing my baby.

he is so smart! talking in sentences, learnign to hike and punt footballs, singing his whole ABCs.

(saying the bad words) you know all the important things. :]

life is good, even when it is confusing.

not gonna lie.

today it hurts like hell.

for weeks before the move i had nightmares of me coming home and suddenly being aware julian was gone and wouldnt be with me. because of plans, and traveling to see him on my off days...i hadnt had this come to fruition. until today.

i cancelled my plans and was in a mood. i felt off.

and just like in the dream, i sat on my couch and became suddenly aware of the silence and the discomfort.

i miss my son.

i know he is with daddy and happy. but i miss him. this is so lame.

i just want him here all the time!

i have to convince myself right now he isnt broken.

he has all the love and dedication of two parent households on any given day.

but i should be there.

i should be there.

tomorrow...

i give j to his daddy for 6 days.

i am going to see him Tuesday while his daddy is in portland. but man alive this hurts.

i have good feelers in my belly for a person. we'll see how things go :]

for now. i focus on work starting on monday and how nervous and terrified i am.

sigh.

ridic.

i miss my Julian already.

putting myself out there.

it wasnt pretty.

and it hasnt worked out yet.

but i did it.

i gave a guy my number.

and i started to develop some feelers for him.

even though it may be nothing. its awesome to feel liberated and free to feel something.

kinda stings a litle.

but its good.

heres hoping.

Cheers!

toddler bed.

he finally fell asleep in it!

took being put to sleep by mommy, with daddy on the phone, but he did it. and now im sitting up. at 230am and every sound makes me think he has fallen.

this is weird.

i hate living aloe for the mere fact every sound in my ears i think is either an intruder or my son falling from his bed thats like 5 inches off the ground.

this is going to take some getting used to.

why do the doors creak during naptime?

went to check on j. and he is sleeping. FINALLY. though the darned doors might have woken him if he werent so tired. took 30 minutes trying to get him to sleep in his toddler bed only to find he kept getting up to play, then 30 more minutes trying the "big bed" which is mine.

i even had to lay with him for a bit because he was playig around so much he fell off.

this is an adjustmet for sure.

last night we went to rescue Judes Paternal grandmother and aunt who were stranded.

we returned them home and i took jude across town to see his daddy while we were there. and we stayed the night.

no no, moms, nothing happened.

we talked and spent time with Julian, and i realized exactly how blessed i am.

despite the fact i want to punch him, i truly have the greatest love and respect for Julians dad, and am proud he is his father.

he is a perfect father. for our son.

and i hope that we can keep up this dynamic as friends.

(but i wont preted it doesnt drive me crazy that our relationship has changed to this. sometimes i wish we could just be in love again and God would fix our relationship. but i no longer crave that. i just know it would be easier on julian...or would it? unrelated note....i have an interesting "putting myself back out there" story to tell later. when i lose the rest of my shame :])

whilst he sleeps

thinking of my boy.

i picked him up from his dads today and took daddy to work so we could spend time as a family.

i half expected Julian to run into my arms and give me a big grin. thats a lie. i really wanted it to happen.

instead. he looked at me like i had just been in the bathroom for the past 3 days and turned back to dora.

sigh.

i know it'll get easier for me one of these days. but i really hoped he had missed me as much as i missed him.

it was 3 days. i was MISERABLE.

i get him from today, Tuesday until Sunday. I start a new job next week and havent foud a daycare, so his dad is taking him all next week while i arrange it.

a whole week without my son.

this SUCKS.

regardless, all is right in my world, which sucks that it has to become topsy turvy for J's daddy at the same time.

but J, who hadnt taken a nap, is sleeping peacefully in his new toddler bed.

im giving it to him. he is tuckered out. his diaper likely needs to eb changed, but i wont try to do it while he sleeps until another 20 mins when he is for sure sound asleep. we hadnt much luck in the new toddler bed dept. and this is only the first time he has slept i it. (thak you craigslist for 40$!)

moms know the value of a nap. you learn your child.

you know the drill. the "ill flush it later because its still too early in the nap to make noise" or the "il have to try to clean after he is REALLY asleep" or the "lift the lid on the washer until he wakes and then close it to complete the cycle" or maybe "shut up foundation, can you not settle in until he is asleep please?"

so i silently curse each sound in this new house.

i feel at home.

but i really wanna wake my kid up to play.

that or sleep.

but i know if i do that ill just forget to actually flush the toilet or restart the washer :]

night talks.

we agreed when we seperated that we would have good night talks every night. and have been successful thus far whenever either of us are away.

tonight.

i wanted to slam daddy's head in a car door.

but i sat politely through the conversation.

ill be over it tomorrow...but still.

i had to tell someone since i cant tell jude...

makes me glad im a single mom though.... :]

its a WIC night

its 100% whole wheat bread.

tomatoes.

Mild cheddar cheese.

lettuce.

the cheap Buddig turkey.

and off brand wheat thins.

complete with Apple Juice.

(Tree Top Holla!)

it makes me realize how awesome WIC is.

i can feed my son healthy foods. just the right amount.

while i make sure that i have money for bills. soon the money will roll in, but until then, there is wic. and i am SO SO thankful.

flashback to 1994:

im 8.

we lived in a motel room. for months.

lived on welfare. for years.

parents did drugs. for god knows how long.

i promised myself i would never use welfare.

fast forward to 2008: i have my son.

i promise myself, i will do anything to make sure he is happy healthy and taken care of.

this trumps first promise.

im not a drug user.

im a hardworking dedicated mother.

welfare did not make my mother parent the way she did. nor my father the way he didnt.

its structured and while some take advantage of it in a bad way, i use it like a lot of mothers, to make ends meet, and NEVER let their child know anything but happiness.

check out your local programs if you need them.

Asking for help does NOT make you weak, but to ask for help a good parent makes.

it takes a village.

ad this too shall pass.

remember those things.

and thank you wic. my child never knew i was broke tonight.

love you J.

and taxpayers....thank you.

family fun fair day.

went to the Oregon State fair for "family day"

saw the dino exhibit! Jude LOVED it!

ate lots of food. and learned the troubles of skipping naps.

we enjoyed each others company very much. :]

imagine this a nutshell.

July 2007 - i meet Big J at work.

September 2007 - he asks me out. i tell him we only date.

October 2007 - we've fallen head over heels.

November 2007 - we move in together. Smitten.

February 2008 - we buy a car and have already decided to have a baby.

April 2008 - we're pregnant. correction, im pregnant. :]

Decemer 2008 - we meet little j.

February 2010 - we become engaged for official.

June 2010 - we break up.

June 2010 - we decide we were just good parents because we were together, but we were good parents because of him and that doesnt change. we agree to family days, shared bday parties, rules for dating, and continue what we started and raise this little boy.

UPDATED: 09/02

June 2010-August 2010 - i go to college.

September 2010 - with J's support i move to Portland(ish), an hour(ish) away from big J.

and so begins the life of a so called "broken family"

we're here to prove em wrong.

taken from Julians Blog

just to raise awareness and tell our story.

love to our Father in Heaven for keeping our child in His hands.

April 22nd entry, from April 20th events:

sweet sweet boy.

today was a hard day.

for days you have had an on and off fever.
doctors told us it wasnt too bad a sign as long as you were your normal self.
you acted normal and happy. until last night. fever spiked and you wouldnt eat or drink. we put you in light clothing and you again slept with us.
i am SO glad you did.

this morning around 1000am you woke up and i sat up. i cleaned the nasties out of your eyes while you cried; they were so bad your eyes could barely open.
i leaned to the floor to pick up a diaper and sat back up to change you when i notced you change.

you stared off to your right and started twitching, your right side in rhythmic movements.

my sweet perfect angel was having a seizure. i knew right off the bat it was from the fever, but i still freaked. i screamed for Angela who came in and saw you. she grabbed her phone and called for the paramedic doctors to come get you. after you stopped shaking mommy noticed you weren't breathing, and your lips were now blue. your eyes weren't moving or even blinking and your entire body was completely limp.
i picked you up and you flopped over, nothing in your little body. my first thought is you were choking on your nasties. i pumped your belly a few times and nothing came up but spit. it occurred to me that you couldnt breathe.

mommy laid you down on the ground, lips still blue and no breaths and i pinched your little nose and breathed into you, one, two, three times. i was praying and begging so hard, and out loud, "God dont take him from me" you're my baby, my sweet sweet baby boy. and my heart broke in two as i breathed for you.

i heard a sputter, a cry, a whimper and you started moaning, still burning up. Nanny came and started taking off your clothes to cool you off, and your diaper. i rolled you onto your side and you didnt move just kept moaning. your voice was the sweetest sound, and i was so so relieved you were breathing. the paramedic doctors came in soon, and they put you in the big ambulance car.

we met daddy at the hospital. baby boy i was right with you the whole time.
the doctor told us you had a febrile seizure, a fever seizure. your fever had shot to over 105 degrees. its like cooking chili. if you turn the burner up to 9 without letting it warm up, it can burn fast. and your fever went real high real fast.
you would be okay, and they would give you medicines.
you had a chest xray which told us that you had bronchitis and the dcotr saw you also had 2 ear infections. we have to make sure you are okay with your nasties and keep you propped up so you dont choke on your ickies.

we have you home now, and boy baby you are tired.

im going to hold you until the cows come home, and then longer. screw the cows.

we are still praying. God is good and you are here with us. i thank the lord for every moment with you.

you were so strong and so tough; i am SO proud of you. my sweet sweet baby boy.

everything is going to be all right.

i love you JudeBug.
my julian.
my sunshine.