not gonna lie.

today it hurts like hell.

for weeks before the move i had nightmares of me coming home and suddenly being aware julian was gone and wouldnt be with me. because of plans, and traveling to see him on my off days...i hadnt had this come to fruition. until today.

i cancelled my plans and was in a mood. i felt off.

and just like in the dream, i sat on my couch and became suddenly aware of the silence and the discomfort.

i miss my son.

i know he is with daddy and happy. but i miss him. this is so lame.

i just want him here all the time!

i have to convince myself right now he isnt broken.

he has all the love and dedication of two parent households on any given day.

but i should be there.

i should be there.

tomorrow...

i give j to his daddy for 6 days.

i am going to see him Tuesday while his daddy is in portland. but man alive this hurts.

i have good feelers in my belly for a person. we'll see how things go :]

for now. i focus on work starting on monday and how nervous and terrified i am.

sigh.

ridic.

i miss my Julian already.

putting myself out there.

it wasnt pretty.

and it hasnt worked out yet.

but i did it.

i gave a guy my number.

and i started to develop some feelers for him.

even though it may be nothing. its awesome to feel liberated and free to feel something.

kinda stings a litle.

but its good.

heres hoping.

Cheers!

toddler bed.

he finally fell asleep in it!

took being put to sleep by mommy, with daddy on the phone, but he did it. and now im sitting up. at 230am and every sound makes me think he has fallen.

this is weird.

i hate living aloe for the mere fact every sound in my ears i think is either an intruder or my son falling from his bed thats like 5 inches off the ground.

this is going to take some getting used to.

why do the doors creak during naptime?

went to check on j. and he is sleeping. FINALLY. though the darned doors might have woken him if he werent so tired. took 30 minutes trying to get him to sleep in his toddler bed only to find he kept getting up to play, then 30 more minutes trying the "big bed" which is mine.

i even had to lay with him for a bit because he was playig around so much he fell off.

this is an adjustmet for sure.

last night we went to rescue Judes Paternal grandmother and aunt who were stranded.

we returned them home and i took jude across town to see his daddy while we were there. and we stayed the night.

no no, moms, nothing happened.

we talked and spent time with Julian, and i realized exactly how blessed i am.

despite the fact i want to punch him, i truly have the greatest love and respect for Julians dad, and am proud he is his father.

he is a perfect father. for our son.

and i hope that we can keep up this dynamic as friends.

(but i wont preted it doesnt drive me crazy that our relationship has changed to this. sometimes i wish we could just be in love again and God would fix our relationship. but i no longer crave that. i just know it would be easier on julian...or would it? unrelated note....i have an interesting "putting myself back out there" story to tell later. when i lose the rest of my shame :])

whilst he sleeps

thinking of my boy.

i picked him up from his dads today and took daddy to work so we could spend time as a family.

i half expected Julian to run into my arms and give me a big grin. thats a lie. i really wanted it to happen.

instead. he looked at me like i had just been in the bathroom for the past 3 days and turned back to dora.

sigh.

i know it'll get easier for me one of these days. but i really hoped he had missed me as much as i missed him.

it was 3 days. i was MISERABLE.

i get him from today, Tuesday until Sunday. I start a new job next week and havent foud a daycare, so his dad is taking him all next week while i arrange it.

a whole week without my son.

this SUCKS.

regardless, all is right in my world, which sucks that it has to become topsy turvy for J's daddy at the same time.

but J, who hadnt taken a nap, is sleeping peacefully in his new toddler bed.

im giving it to him. he is tuckered out. his diaper likely needs to eb changed, but i wont try to do it while he sleeps until another 20 mins when he is for sure sound asleep. we hadnt much luck in the new toddler bed dept. and this is only the first time he has slept i it. (thak you craigslist for 40$!)

moms know the value of a nap. you learn your child.

you know the drill. the "ill flush it later because its still too early in the nap to make noise" or the "il have to try to clean after he is REALLY asleep" or the "lift the lid on the washer until he wakes and then close it to complete the cycle" or maybe "shut up foundation, can you not settle in until he is asleep please?"

so i silently curse each sound in this new house.

i feel at home.

but i really wanna wake my kid up to play.

that or sleep.

but i know if i do that ill just forget to actually flush the toilet or restart the washer :]

night talks.

we agreed when we seperated that we would have good night talks every night. and have been successful thus far whenever either of us are away.

tonight.

i wanted to slam daddy's head in a car door.

but i sat politely through the conversation.

ill be over it tomorrow...but still.

i had to tell someone since i cant tell jude...

makes me glad im a single mom though.... :]

its a WIC night

its 100% whole wheat bread.

tomatoes.

Mild cheddar cheese.

lettuce.

the cheap Buddig turkey.

and off brand wheat thins.

complete with Apple Juice.

(Tree Top Holla!)

it makes me realize how awesome WIC is.

i can feed my son healthy foods. just the right amount.

while i make sure that i have money for bills. soon the money will roll in, but until then, there is wic. and i am SO SO thankful.

flashback to 1994:

im 8.

we lived in a motel room. for months.

lived on welfare. for years.

parents did drugs. for god knows how long.

i promised myself i would never use welfare.

fast forward to 2008: i have my son.

i promise myself, i will do anything to make sure he is happy healthy and taken care of.

this trumps first promise.

im not a drug user.

im a hardworking dedicated mother.

welfare did not make my mother parent the way she did. nor my father the way he didnt.

its structured and while some take advantage of it in a bad way, i use it like a lot of mothers, to make ends meet, and NEVER let their child know anything but happiness.

check out your local programs if you need them.

Asking for help does NOT make you weak, but to ask for help a good parent makes.

it takes a village.

ad this too shall pass.

remember those things.

and thank you wic. my child never knew i was broke tonight.

love you J.

and taxpayers....thank you.