i met someone.

im not seeing him.

but feeling these types of feelings helps me to know that there is life after breaking off an engagement.

im not looking for anything. nor am i pursuing it actively. but its liberating to know that i can get to that point :] its strange how even a possibility of something can be motivation.

i wont lie, i like that i feel attractive and coveted. so sue me. everyone likes to be thought about.

my son is my priority.

getting healthy and in shape is a priority.

whatever finds me in the meantime and embraces those goals and my priorities will be welcomed with open arms.

life is gonna be different, good.

big J and i took jude and some friends to a blazer game last night. being surrounded by our mutual friends and family helped me to feel ultimate support and love, even while we are not together. it wasnt awkward; no one needed to walk on eggshells.

it was a good time. and i feel confident we will be able to overcome it all with them.

i have a really good life.

im so blessed.

October is...

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

and Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

im thinkign today about all the Survivors, the Fighters, the Mothers and the Babies.

one day the numbers we see as reality now will be smaller.

Love you Rene, Gramma, Nikki.....

and everyone else out there.

im grateful for my boob health and my son.

and i dont take it for granted.

we take the disfunction out of dysfunctional. or something like that.

so last night.

drinking.

my word.

it felt nice to be back with family.

my best friend April and her daughter Juliet were here. Juliet is 4 months older than little j.

my brother was here, and our friends Cody and Jesse.

we had a great ngiht. after the kids went to bed we had a few drinks and just talked and played games :]

its nice to feel functional with j's dad and our families.

staying at Js.

last night i came down to Js house to stay the weekend. today is a family friends birthday party for their sons, and we wanted to go as a family. also, tomorrow we are taking j to the pumpkin patch.

its frustrating, dont get me wrong, because J asks me to do things and mentions multiple times that its his house, yet i know he likes my company. he even arranged for some booze to be here tonight so i can have a drink since ive had a rough week.

while sometimes i wish we were in love again so we could be a completer family, other times im happy being apart from him, and not talking to him.

its weird how the relationship dynamic between exes is for different people when a child is involved. luckily we are two dedicated people who want the best for him.

i LOVE seeing my baby.

he is so smart! talking in sentences, learnign to hike and punt footballs, singing his whole ABCs.

(saying the bad words) you know all the important things. :]

life is good, even when it is confusing.