what is "seeing?"

seeing someone.

im seeing someone.

he is seeing someone.

but what does that even mean?

in my case it means i have found a wonderful person who is still recovering from the last woman who hurt him, and it means i spend amazing time with him. the last month getting to know him has been wonderful, even though i didnt get the chemistry at first, im glad i stuck around to see more.

in X's case, im pretty sure it means sleeping together, and only being exclusive in bed.

not gonna lie, he keeps bringing her up, bringing her around our son a couple times, and lying to me about any and everything. it feels as though he is trying to get under my skin and i dont understand why.

Do you want to hurt me? lets be real, it stings. i was going to marry him. even though im seeing someone else it doesnt make hurt go away.

what is the whole point? offering me the sweets that she bakes, or pointing out the things she does for you, or lying about her interactions with my son. i dont understand it. and to be honest, it pisses me off. i dont want to see him, or be around him. because its like a slap in the face.

sometimes this whole thing gets the better of me and i wish things that i shouldnt.

bottom line, is for the most part i bite my tongue because i know hours later my mind will again acknowledge the most important part: while he is immature and sometimes even downright cold, he is the most amazing father to our son and i love who he is, even if im not in love with it anymore.

we got through our first christmas as an "unconventional family" and even through one of Judes birthdays. He has a tendency to spend too much on Christmas, and since i celebrated hanukkah this year, i pulled most of the weight for J's birtday, even though X makes about 8$ more an hour.

yeah.

its hard sometimes not not punch him in the groin.

but you know what? the broken families are the ones that act on those impulses, and im not going to be another fucking statistic.

together or not, we're a family and i have to preserve that balance...

but one of these days ill need some convincing of that. so please be kind : )

2 years as a family!

today is Little's birthday and I am spending time with him, family and friends and X at X's house.

two years we have been parents, and we have done a great job. Little j has NEVER known a difference!

i can, for suresies.

but if j doesnt, thats all that matters!

happy birthday Little! im proud of you!

now get off Mahmee's blog and go to the one meant for you : ]

http://dear-julian.blogspot.com/

Thank you to Big J, for being a wonderful wonderful person.

does he read this? hell know, but you can betcher ass i told him in person today...many many times....Thanks heavens for him and i falling in love back in the day: ]

this is ROUGH!

its SO frustrating!

right now J is at a basketball game with another woman.

oh stop, ive only been broken up with my ex fiancee for 6 months...it can still burn that he is at "our" blazers game with another lady.

but i think one of the other things that stings...is that he can afford to do those things, and i cant let him know how much i struggle.

the last time i went to a blazer game i had saved all my spare monies, money that likely should have gone to other things, and bought us tickets to a game for J's birthday.

i didnt use that money to go to the movies with the guy im seeing.

i didnt use the money to go out to dinner with friends.

i did it for us as a family, and i kinda feel stupid for doing that, vulnerable, and dumb.

fuck.

i just want to have the money J has. :(

he is living my life, the life i used to have, and i have dropped 6.50 an hour in salary.

oy.vey.

i know its gonna get better. just gotta keeping right?

just keep swimming, just keep swimming....

goodness im such a mother : ]

i want to slam your head...in a car door

and put your nethers in a vice.

yes.

i am saying it.

and i have a feeling its going to be harder than i thought.

im refraining from sending the messages i want to.

because i love my son.

fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou.

happy hanukkah!

blazer game with the boys!

Big J and little j, what begins with J?

joel przybilla! my dreamboat, arriving back at the game in almost a year!

scarped and skimped for tickets for J's birtday present.

for the past 3 years we have gone to blazer games and celebrated our birthdays together! we thought it shouldnt be any different because we werent in a relationship!

took J with us, and had a great birthday slash hanukkah!

love our blazers and family days!

sigh.

i wont lie.

i wont say its easy.

being "exes" is not easy.

because sometimes i want to slam his head in a car door.

other times i wish he would cuddle me just because he already knows how to make me feel better.

i dont wanna spend the time training another to know me.

but dang it...the easy part is being a good parent....

its so easy to just love our son.

its just not easy to love each other.

after about 5 months his daddy can now say "i love you" in a platonic way without worrying im going to fall madly in love with him again. it feels good that he can say those words.

after we split, immediately he transformed into "dexter morgan" minus the serial killing. he became emotionless, void, empty of feelings.

he wouldnt say he loved me even as a person.

but he is there for me. i try to be there for him as much as he lets me.

i hate letting him call the shots on our friendship. but at least there is one to try and salvage.

we are doing so good for Julians sake.

you can read Julians blog here:

www.dear-julian.blogspot.com

ive been working that one since shortly after Jude was born.

sometimes i really just miss being a family.

sometimes....

i think i am not only missing Little, but also missing Big. even if its just for the company.

im so so grateful to have him as Little's daddy.

but dont tell him i said that. : ]