it takes two.

we fight. we yell. we get angry.

but dammit we WORK.

i love my life. :]

and in 16 weeks we will be welcoming a beautiful girl.

im so thankful for his hard work.

and for all he is.

he is perfect and man alive i may not have wanted to admit it out of pride...but i missed him.

i heard this song and it reminded me of us....we've come a long way:

Lessons learned, bridges burned to the ground,
And it's too late now to put out the fire,
Tables turned, and I'm the one who's burning now,
Well I'm doing alright,
'Til I close my eyes
And then I see your face,
And it's no surprise.

[Chorus:]
Just like that I'm crawling back to you,
Just like you said I would yeah,
I swallow my pride,
Now I'm crawling back to you,
I'm out of my head,
Can't wait any longer,
Down on my knees, I thought I was stronger,
Just like that, like you said I'd do,
I'm crawling back to you.

Time can heal, but the scars only hide the way you feel,
And it's hard to forget how I left you hanging
On by a thread, when everything is said, I will regret it, yeah,
I was doin' alright, thought I could make it,
Then I see your face and it's hard to fake it.

[Chorus:]
Just like that I'm crawling back to you,
Just like you said I would yeah,
I swallow my pride,
Now I'm crawling back to you,
I'm out of my head,
Can't wait any longer,
Down on my knees, I thought I was stronger,
Just like that, like you said I'd do,
I'm crawling back to you.

If you could find a way, to forgive everything, I know you would.
And I would take it all back, give if only I knew that I could.

Lessons learned, bridges burned to the ground.
And it's too late now, to put out the fire.

[Chorus:]
Just like that I'm crawling back to you,
Just like you said I would yeah,
I swallow my pride,
Now I'm crawling back to you,
I'm out of my head,
Can't wait any longer,
Down on my knees, I thought I was stronger,
Just like that, like you said I'd do,
I'm crawling back to you.

I'm crawling back to you [3x]

what is dis?

reconciliation.

keeping it low key.

but we have reconciled.

:]

ill keep you posted.

i wish i could pretend

that i dont love him.

but i do.

and since his revelation.

things have had me buckling.

like, my guard is down.

and im in love still. im having trouble hiding it.

we have a date, when we go on our family trip.

i want my family back.

apology?

we break up last year.

this year his best friend is going through a rough time with his wife.

and i get an instant message with an apology.

for the words, the loneliness and the abandonment.

WHAT?

its too little but there isnt a too late i guess.

when you had a future and a life planned. it always helps to hear "i was wrong and you are perfect" maybe he didnt use those words. but the words he used led me to believe he understands i didnt deserve how things ended up.

where it came from and what it means i dont know, i was too afraid to ask.

but its a step.

i send a lot of time at his house, and its not relationshipesque. thats a lie. theres no kissing or handholding, but we treat each other as friends with such respect sometimes that its confusing and weird.

but i have gotten more attention from others lately and it boosts my ego and confidence : ]

regardless, having him say those apology words and show me more appreciation lately has made me feel better about things. who knows?

positivity.

okay. we're going to focus on the positive.

because i realize blogging can lead to the outpour of negative thoughts and thats not my life. my life is beautiful and happy.

taxes should be coming in soon.... ;]

im having an amazing month at work, and though my ranking has fallen, i should still be making a bit of money this month.

my lil j is healthy and wonderful.

we spent the entire day yesterday on our "date day".

we slept in, then i took him to ihop and then we went to the blazer game : ]

then we came back to X's house and spent some time just the three of us. how wonderful is that?

im excited for taxes, and i keep thinking about the grand things i could do with them! new clothes for J and I, new shoes, ive been planning to get X j and i matching jerseys with J's last name and the number 27 for awhile now...i could get those....i could go out to a big steak dinner....

i could give my foster parents some money...donate some of it....

in reality i know whats going to happen. because i try to be as fiscally responsible as possible.

im gonna pay off one of my debts. give X 800$ of it (after all, we shared Jude and he is a good daddy), pay a month or two ahead on the car and....well nothing else because that will consume all of it. sigh.

being responsible sucks sometimes.

;]

but all is great because this will come at the PERFECT time. and bills will be taken care of and J will be provided for. i wish i had more play money. but luckily X decided he is gonna use some of his to take us to a Blazer Game, Lexus Club :]

i love these times...being good parents is awesome...being good parents at blazer games is just somehow better :]

trying

i get so frustrated.

i wish i had answers.

i deserve chivalry.

and love.

and someone to treat me the way i want to treat him.

i wish i knew.

on the upside...we are doing amazing for J.

J is happy and it is making me smile as i type this that we are doing so well despite my ability to push the past away.

i love my life. im so blessed.

to be blunt or not to be? that is the question.

sigh.

sometimes our level of comfort leads to a lack of judgement.

X and i slept together the other night.

does it mean anything? not really. aside from the love that still makes it comforting and no stress.

ive been talking to other people that show interest and promise and are full of the new intrigue and relationship adrenaline and i wonder about them.

i have nothing really interesting to say. but im just thinking about it.

its been awhile eh?

okay.

well.

hmm.

i got pneumonia.

lost out on a lot of wages.

and im wondering where some of the bills payments are going to come from.

overtime is imminent.

and ive been talkign to a couple more guys in myh life, while X and his lady have decided to part ways.

he was strange today.

and i dont know what to think about it.

im hurting real bad.

one of my friends told me she thought he was still in love with me.

my res;onse was, how can you hurt someone you love so much?

i dont know. but i just wish i didnt feel so heart broken.

and stressed about money.

he did invite me over last night after work, and stayed up to hang out with me. and is going to give me the space heater to use at home, and undoubtedly help me with bills.

we stayed up taking care of a sick julian "my back hurts mahmee, my feet hurt daddy, i cant walk..." and just being parents.

its nice.

but confusing and frustrating and heartbreaking.

i dont know.

all i know is it doesnt matter what i feel between us, what happens for jude is most important : ]

heres hoping that by buckling down with OT and a lot of focus, maybe biting the bullet and sacrificing some time with jude to work will allow me to make extra money.

im using lists as motivation...want lists and need lists.

Need:

be ahead on car payments

catch up to pge.

buy new shoes for Jude and I.

i soon enough will actually need new bras.

to get the car fixed.

groceries. oh i need groceries.

insurance.

pay heather.

Socks for Jude.

Want:

a new tv to mount on the wall

i wanna buy season tickets for jude, even just 1/4 season. yes this is also for me.

my camera, its time the photographer had a real camera.

help my struggling family with groceries or bills.

matching rain boots for Jude and I.

new clothes for Jude and I.

trips! to see Catrina in Colorado, My sister in Tennessee, My Sisters in California. Our friends in Seattle.

a new dress or two.

its good to have motivation.

lets make some sales kids!

"i want to talk"

yeah.

he said it.

"i want to talk to you tonight".

i could only respond with

"me too."

but im fairly certain our topics will be different.

im thinking he is going to tell me he and his lady prospect have decided to be ina relationship.

while i want to tell him that he and i should scale back on our friendship for a few months until i have some closure.

its been what, 8 months since we broke up and i cant seem to move past my feelings. even though i have developed emotions for others, i just cant seem to shake the feelings i get from him, the jealousy i feel, and the anger that we couldnt make it work. that we grew into different people than who we were when we got together.

i want to tell him we need to have set family days.

that we need a tradition, an activity that is only ours.

something that we can keep sacred as a family. and maybe do that activity once every couple weeks for now...and then once monthly as jude gets older.

i do want to be friends, but i need to move on first.

im recovering from pneumonia, at the tail end of it now.

and X was kind enough to let me have julian for a couple extra days while i am feeling better before i go back to work.

i missed out on a lot of work while sick, and havent rec my letter of release from my doctor yet so im at home anyway.

so from Friday night to Wednesday i get him. and i am having a blast.

i love my son so much.

i know that he is worth it. even when i am frustrated and sad about X i know that J is worth it.

we are worth it.

our love of family and our childs happiness is worth it.

we have done such a good job so far.

doesnt mean it isnt hard, but thats what makes me prouder : ]

just a thought:

as im frustrated and angry and hurt and broken:

Even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth "You owe me". Just think what a love like that can do.

pneumonia.

gonna keep this one short maybe.

i feel HORRIBLE.

reached out to X, need help with J.

i feel bad. i want to be the hands on mahmee that i normally am. but im down for the count.

so im at X's house, and once X is off work he is gonna come and take care of J for me while i rest.

J is being so cute, wanting to cuddle and take care of his mahmee. how blessed i am.

i wish i had someone other than X to turn to, but im blessed that i still have a relatuionship with X that i can call upon him like this. i am blessed, i know not many others could turn to their exx for help when thyh are sick. and here i am being taken care of.

how blessed i am. simpy blessed.

and sick.

im going to sleep.

working on it.

today i camedown, at the invitation of X, to spend some time with Jude there with him.

we went out as a family to dinner, and let Jude play on the soccer field across the way.

he LOVES sports, and once he set his eyes on a spare soccer ball, he kept trying to kick it onto the field with the practicing teams : ]

its hard not to be confused.

knowing that if X and i were still together we would be trying for a second child it confusing.

knowing we'd be planning our wedding for September 2012, is confusing.

knowing that we'd be happy but still have the same problems....its confusing.

there are special people in my mind, people i think about frequently.

that is also confusing.

do i really miss X? do i just miss our life? do i miss everything we had or am i really as anticommittal now as i fear i am?

sometimes the line is easy to see. and i remember clearly why we crossed it into where we are. other times its blurry.

how did we get here?

and i cant tell why.

i need to get back into a routine.

i need to focus on finishing my goal.

www.imfluffynotfat.blogspot.com

im feeling beautiful and confident, but ive got work to do to complete my mission.

maybe focusing on something other than love will help me unwind and open my eyes to what i really crave, and not just the logical option.

life is beautiful.

my life is beautiful.

my son is beautiful.

love is beautiful.

dont take it for granted.

even when it hurts, life is beautiful.

which brings me to a last thought.

to my lovely lovely friend Jesse.

you would be 22 today.

i cant believe its been over 4 years since ive seen you.

much much love.

have a great day up there beautiful boy.

go hug your beautiful children, even your exes.

life is short and its so worth smiling in.

my reason...

www.dear-julian.blogspot.com

this is why its perfect.

why life is perfect.

in the words of SDL.

That's what I get every day that I have Noah. Forget any other horrible or difficult thing in this life. I get that. And that makes it so that nothing bad matters. Everything else... it's trivial. Throw the worst day you possibly can at me. Take me to the edge of my ability to cope. Rip the rug out from under me. Just let me have that when it's all done, and the world will be right again.

that explains it all.

little reminder...

seeing someones positive comment commending me on my ability to separate my feelings for the sake of my son, makes me rethink my actions.

i just gotta keep it in.

dont say what i wanna say.

because at the end of the day, whats important is the life i make for my son, which is directly influenced by how i handle EVERYTHING, including and especially things with his father.

additionally i realize the old saying "i just want to see "my ex" happy" is a farce.

its actually "i want to see him happy....if im happy"

or "i want to see him happy, but i want to be the one to make him happy".

because today as i talked to some wonderful men who i can laugh with and be real with, i realized i do have feelings for another person, besides X.

and its my hearts inability to let go, but want to move on that shows me growth is imminent.

sometimes growing up sucks.

whether you are growing up at 30...at 25....at 75...

there is always growth to be had.

i have much love for my sons father, and maybe the feelings will never go away, but i can also move on and find happiness.

im leaving options open, making sure hearts arent hurting, and that no one is broken because of my actions.

there are several men i am feeling comfortable around, and wanting to see where it goes. the beauty is i can get to know a person. when i met X it was a whirlwind romance, which worked for us, and was perfect for the growth of our beautoful boy. but the beauty is that a great love can come from either way,...whirlwind or gradual growth. and i am not going to rush anything.

im enjoying feeling love and happiness, and workign through emotions from X. the nice thing to acknowledge about my pain, is it means my love was real, and not just a facade.

i do love you X. i did love you. and i will love you for such a long time for what you are and what we have done together.

but life is ahead of me. regardless where i land, i know it is where i was meant to be.

and thats fucking beautiful.

(additionally, its amazing the clarity that comes with reflection and a new day full of new breaths and experiences. i surely wouldnt have felt this way the other day, but its amazing how pain and time to think can transform your heart. so if it hurts now...just give it time. itll be okay : ])

bitch.

wow i made him sound horrible in the anger entry.

those things are true...but in the heat of the moment one sometimes forgets to praise for the beautiful things....

like when he bought me tickets to a hockey game for him and j and i for my bday.

like when i needed new tires and brakes and he put it on his les schwab account

like still having family days and holidays

like respecting my wishes for not wanting jude to be around when he plays call of duty

like putting blankets on me when i fall asleep.

like making sure i have gas in the car.

like making me coffee in the mornings im there.

like remembering how i order my food and making sure it sright.

like cooking special foods for me when im there because i dont eat some things.

like recording games so i can watch them with j.

hes a good guy.

i just hate that he isnt the same guy i fell in love with.

and i hate that i still love the guy who isnt the same guy i fell in love with.

but i am in complete awe of his parenting. and am so grateful we chose to have our beautiful son.

what a fucking blessing : ]

(but im still pissed. that is all).

another day another dollar.

while still reeling from yesterdays post and all that it entailed....

i got up...went to work...and tried to make the dough.

sometimes, its nice to go to the comfort of work...the steady stream of distractions to keep my mind busy for 10 hours.

i talked to my baby boy for a bit today....

that just lights up my day.

now to pray for strength to not just cut ties with his daddy. i know ill regret it and i just need to swallow my pride and anger and forge ahead, regardless of the pain.

my son is oh so worth it.

i read this from SDL and im reminded of that.

http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/you-just-broke-your-child.html

my son is worth every single ounce of my love for him, and thats not up for debate.

no amount of frustration, grief or anger is worth risking damaging his soul.

anger.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model

the kubler ross model of grief.

the 5 stages of grief.

i think it not only applies with death, which i have experienced many a time and am currently working through, but also in major life changes, or losing somethings of importance. For some this may play out as Divorce or Seperation of marriage. for some its losing that beautiful little child and having your spawn go down a road you dont want. or for some maybe its people whose parents are no longer in the picture.

in my situation, its the culmination and termination of my relationship with X.

you see for the past almost 8 months i have been in the denial stage.

i quit my job, went to school, that failed to pull through due to financial needs so i moved. out and away to a town 45 minutes away to give me some peacce. got a new job, new friends, started dating others.

but sometimes, and i can see this with clarity now that im past it, sometimes it felt like a dream, like it was surreal and not really my life. sometimes it felt like it was just temporary.

but now i have progressed.

when i got the notice from PGE that my services would get shut off on feb 8th, i just stared at the page for awhile. truth be told in my money management, i pushed that bill back. it was the one that i knew i would be able to float on for a bit, because they are always reasonable.

but this meant things were serious. im blessed that since October the total bill ijs only 140. but still. 140. and i got MAD.

mad at X. for all of it.

i did move, but my options would have been the same wherever i chose to live. i had quit a job id had for 5 years. i wasnt going to start with the same base pay id had. and it was X's idea for me to quit. i wasnt happy there, him and i were doing fine, and school was a dream of mine.

we broke up the week before school started...2 months after i quit my job.

when i left that job, id had a second income and assistance from him.

now im taking ont he same bills i had before making 6$ less per hour than i was at my old work. the bills are met, but barely...and thats sacrificing other bills.

i bargain buy, and probably should cut down on the coffee intake, but i maximize what i have an can get with minimal money.

i dont run the heat, i bundle up, i usually stay at friends houses to avoid driving so much. i work within my means. i know the end of my slump will come sooner than later.

but this is NOW. this isnt sooner. this isnt later.

and X, he is currently living with my brother. in addition to having a second income and not having to foot all the bills by himself, he still makes good money, 8$ more an hour than me.

he has no car payment, and because we still share the insurance to get the discounts, i pay about 65% of that bill.

he goes out weekly. i mean, goes out. either to a movie, or out to eat multiple times. he has an addiction tok food, not an unhealthy morbidly obese obsession, but X likes to cook.

no joke, when we lived together we had a comfortable life. lived modestly with our accessories so we could have experiences. and one time i had to have a sit down talk because he blew over 1k$ in groceries or food purchases in one month. he likes to cook big meals and has a tendency to not watch his funds.

another thing that makes me angry.

im SCRAPING by at times.

and he can go out to fancy dinners at expensive restaurants. he can go out to movies (3 times in the last 5 weeks). He can buy expensive things and i cant. he has credit, and i dont. he can use credit and i cant.

additionally, the lady he is seeing. comes from money. bought him kind of an inappropriate gift for christmas for only have been dating for a few weeks.

she drives a BMW. and is part of a car club. WHAT? i feel like i was replaced by someone with money, when i was with him i budgeted and let him do whatever he wanted. i bought him a les paul, paid for IN CASH. we bought new furniture, couches, new dining table. new xbox, dvd players, video games, movies, coast trips. we had a good life.

and im the only one thats had to sacrifice that.

im living very modestly. very.

bills are paid but im struggling. if i lost my job today id be lost. i know there is an end in sight for the lack of funds, but its not here, not now. and he is still living large.

additionally, if i need my brother, i just cant say "brother i need you, let me come over. i need to stay the night." because jamie may have that girl over.

also. he has been seeing this girl without the confines of commitment, sleeping with her, but not willing to commit to her, which is his choice...but he brings her around my child and doesnt realize that julian doesnt understand commitment. julian doesnt understand what that dynamic is. he sees pda and laughter and a relatioship without the respect of the situation. he is TWO.

part of it is i still love him. not gonna lie. part of it is that in all this, in all my crying and tears and sadness and adjustment, X has had to make little to no adjustments, and has been able to turn off the emotion switch. he can easily walk away from something and say that he doesnt care, because he truly doesnt. he has no concept of unconditional attachment and love.

i confronted him on this today because he invited me over, and then made the comment "this is my house" in regards to me playing on the computer and it being too loud. i hear that from him a lot. "do the dishes for me? its my house" "you can come over and sleep on the floor or the couch, its my house". "pick up j's toys please? its my house and youre in it" i always feel like an inconvenience.

i dont want to be friends. i dont. when we started "us" it wasnt as friends, and he sucks as a friend. he has no idea how his behaviors impact others. does that make me love him less? maybe a little. :]

but mostly, im frustrated that im paying off my engagement ring. knowing full well if i had let him keep it he would have sold it shortly after we broke up. i want to keep it for j. its not a bad omen to me. because it was given in love and accepted in love.

it is bothersome that last feb he proposed...fully prepared to say "for better or for worse" and then when worse came he ditched "us" like his pending vows were null and void.

not like im much better. i instigated a seperation. i needed time. things were so hectic and chaotic and i was having hard times coping with how life was becoming from work and school.

but still. he just threw us out.

im mad at him for that.

im mad at him for being unable to make love, and for our sex life suffering because we were on different wave lengths.

im mad at him for not calling the counselor when he said he would.

im mad at him for being successful while i am struggling.

im mad at him for his social life.

im mad at him for having my brother, and me not getting to see my family all the time whenever i want.

im mad at him for being a half assed friend.

im mad at him for so many things.

it feels good to be angry.

it feels good to have told him.

not that it matters much.

but it feels good.

i know one day when he goes down this road again im going to be there for him, and maybe he will realize what he had before.

but for now.

im mad at him.

and i dont wanna be unmad.

fuck.

luckily we are too good to let it interfere with our parenting. but shit. does anger have to be this consuming?

i should meditate or something. writing it all down both helps and fuels my anger fire.

this is a great post that helped me to feel a little less alone and a little less pissy : ]

http://www.danoah.com/2011/02/thousand-roads-through-hell.html

struggling.

been having a rough time.

things are getting real.

and kind of difficult.

i want to go back to school....finish up my Spanish classes and start Phlebotomy Certification.

i want to do something better than this mediocre crap.

i thought single moms got the goods for school help?

yes and no.

when i went this summer i had one option...

The Pell Grant ( a lifesaver, dont get me wrong) only if i went to school full time, which would mean i would also need to work, full time.

which meant my time with j would be kaput. :(

i was depressed yesterday; got a shut off notice for the pge, was thankful that j was with his daddy because lets face it, im running short on some things, and i just feel in a rut.

my paychecks are enough for the bills, but at this rate, unless i make some great numbers we will only ever be paying the bills and never getting ahead, and id never get back in school.

ive gotta pay for it all out of pocket if i only do part time, so i need to bust it out.

luckily, my work is a bit slammed, so im pulling 12 hour days this week :) im Bound and Determined to get back the financial stability i had when i was with Big J, so that little j can have all the time what we gave him then.

i miss Big J. wont lie.

spending a few days when little was sick with him made me think...

but i think we'll manage pretty well.

we're doing pretty good, even if it means i just have to keep my mouth shut about my feelings and just be parents.

just venting, and godness sakes i like a blinking cursor inviting my bitchiness.

i feel loads better. day off tomorrow and a LONG day monday, but then some real time with Little. : )

sickly boy.

Always a family, and never a broken one. just a little "rearranged". :]

spent the last 2 days as a family.

its nice to feel this connection of individuals that have come together as a family.

no animosity, maybe a little confusion and frustration, but bound by love and happiness.

my biological father had actually at one point said "you shouldnt hang out as a family, it'll only confuse him". i call b.s. bio dad. maybe that mentality works for you. but our son will always know us as a dual unit. a pair. a couple of parents. who love him. and love each other.

J took off from work today because we were really worried about j.

(you can read here why we have some slight warranted but maybe irrational paranoia when he is sickly: http://dear-julian.blogspot.com/2010/04/sweet-sweet-boy.html)

we were up til 6 am with him. and then up again at 9.

its been a rough day, but hopefully the liquid steroids the doc gave helped him to feel a bit better. its 140am right now over here, and j is still awake and cranky. but its about time for sleepy cuddles and maybe a decent nights rest.

things have been odd, almost as if we are really at peace with how we are as two seperate parents. thats okay, and i like that we can still say we love each other and commend the parenting we do.

our conversation went like this.

J came up and hugged me from behind for a moment and said "you're a good mother." i responded back "youre a good daddy." and then he says "we are great parents".

i think thats the sweetest conversation we have had in awhile.

and thats all that needs to be said.

what a great feeling.

hardest part.

he's been seeing someone. i have spoken of this already. not a big deal right? wrong.

it does kind of sting, even though things are going swimmingly with the man i am seeing and swiftly falling for.

it stings though and reminds me that we failed. even more so painful is the idea that i have to get used to sharing Julian.

i spoke with a friend of mine, who is a wonderful step mother to her beautiful step daughter and has been involved in her life for 7 out of her 8 years. she loves her step daughter like her own, but recognizes she can never replace her biological mother.

does that make me feel better? no! i dont want some other woman to love my son as her own.

not very many people are worthy of his love and affection.

and while it hurts that i have to get used to one woman in his life, i know i will struggle with any other woman he introduces him to. its like a catch 22.

if this gets serious, which would be ridic because she is all wrong for him, then i have to deal with the next thing after me being step mom. and ugh.

if it doesnt, i have to mentally prepare myself to get used to whatever woman comes next.

im not ready for P to meet Jude.

and i dont know when i will be.

but this whole thing breaks my heart.

ive been trying to not let it get to me so much.

J told me that he was going to invite his lady to an overnight trip to the beach recently. i had to tell him i wasnt comfortable with her being there overnight.

its hard, i trust jamies judgement, though i cant trust what he says because he has a tendency to lie and cover up his tracks. but i feel like i have no control.

i dont want someone else putting my son to bed, kissing his booboos, playing basketball with him or snuggling watching 30 episodes of dora or suite life.

i cant control this part.

i can be the best damn mother ever, but i cant monitor this part of his life.

that.sucks.

i miss my baby boy.