struggling.

been having a rough time.

things are getting real.

and kind of difficult.

i want to go back to school....finish up my Spanish classes and start Phlebotomy Certification.

i want to do something better than this mediocre crap.

i thought single moms got the goods for school help?

yes and no.

when i went this summer i had one option...

The Pell Grant ( a lifesaver, dont get me wrong) only if i went to school full time, which would mean i would also need to work, full time.

which meant my time with j would be kaput. :(

i was depressed yesterday; got a shut off notice for the pge, was thankful that j was with his daddy because lets face it, im running short on some things, and i just feel in a rut.

my paychecks are enough for the bills, but at this rate, unless i make some great numbers we will only ever be paying the bills and never getting ahead, and id never get back in school.

ive gotta pay for it all out of pocket if i only do part time, so i need to bust it out.

luckily, my work is a bit slammed, so im pulling 12 hour days this week :) im Bound and Determined to get back the financial stability i had when i was with Big J, so that little j can have all the time what we gave him then.

i miss Big J. wont lie.

spending a few days when little was sick with him made me think...

but i think we'll manage pretty well.

we're doing pretty good, even if it means i just have to keep my mouth shut about my feelings and just be parents.

just venting, and godness sakes i like a blinking cursor inviting my bitchiness.

i feel loads better. day off tomorrow and a LONG day monday, but then some real time with Little. : )

sickly boy.

Always a family, and never a broken one. just a little "rearranged". :]

spent the last 2 days as a family.

its nice to feel this connection of individuals that have come together as a family.

no animosity, maybe a little confusion and frustration, but bound by love and happiness.

my biological father had actually at one point said "you shouldnt hang out as a family, it'll only confuse him". i call b.s. bio dad. maybe that mentality works for you. but our son will always know us as a dual unit. a pair. a couple of parents. who love him. and love each other.

J took off from work today because we were really worried about j.

(you can read here why we have some slight warranted but maybe irrational paranoia when he is sickly: http://dear-julian.blogspot.com/2010/04/sweet-sweet-boy.html)

we were up til 6 am with him. and then up again at 9.

its been a rough day, but hopefully the liquid steroids the doc gave helped him to feel a bit better. its 140am right now over here, and j is still awake and cranky. but its about time for sleepy cuddles and maybe a decent nights rest.

things have been odd, almost as if we are really at peace with how we are as two seperate parents. thats okay, and i like that we can still say we love each other and commend the parenting we do.

our conversation went like this.

J came up and hugged me from behind for a moment and said "you're a good mother." i responded back "youre a good daddy." and then he says "we are great parents".

i think thats the sweetest conversation we have had in awhile.

and thats all that needs to be said.

what a great feeling.

hardest part.

he's been seeing someone. i have spoken of this already. not a big deal right? wrong.

it does kind of sting, even though things are going swimmingly with the man i am seeing and swiftly falling for.

it stings though and reminds me that we failed. even more so painful is the idea that i have to get used to sharing Julian.

i spoke with a friend of mine, who is a wonderful step mother to her beautiful step daughter and has been involved in her life for 7 out of her 8 years. she loves her step daughter like her own, but recognizes she can never replace her biological mother.

does that make me feel better? no! i dont want some other woman to love my son as her own.

not very many people are worthy of his love and affection.

and while it hurts that i have to get used to one woman in his life, i know i will struggle with any other woman he introduces him to. its like a catch 22.

if this gets serious, which would be ridic because she is all wrong for him, then i have to deal with the next thing after me being step mom. and ugh.

if it doesnt, i have to mentally prepare myself to get used to whatever woman comes next.

im not ready for P to meet Jude.

and i dont know when i will be.

but this whole thing breaks my heart.

ive been trying to not let it get to me so much.

J told me that he was going to invite his lady to an overnight trip to the beach recently. i had to tell him i wasnt comfortable with her being there overnight.

its hard, i trust jamies judgement, though i cant trust what he says because he has a tendency to lie and cover up his tracks. but i feel like i have no control.

i dont want someone else putting my son to bed, kissing his booboos, playing basketball with him or snuggling watching 30 episodes of dora or suite life.

i cant control this part.

i can be the best damn mother ever, but i cant monitor this part of his life.

that.sucks.

i miss my baby boy.