"i want to talk"

yeah.

he said it.

"i want to talk to you tonight".

i could only respond with

"me too."

but im fairly certain our topics will be different.

im thinking he is going to tell me he and his lady prospect have decided to be ina relationship.

while i want to tell him that he and i should scale back on our friendship for a few months until i have some closure.

its been what, 8 months since we broke up and i cant seem to move past my feelings. even though i have developed emotions for others, i just cant seem to shake the feelings i get from him, the jealousy i feel, and the anger that we couldnt make it work. that we grew into different people than who we were when we got together.

i want to tell him we need to have set family days.

that we need a tradition, an activity that is only ours.

something that we can keep sacred as a family. and maybe do that activity once every couple weeks for now...and then once monthly as jude gets older.

i do want to be friends, but i need to move on first.

im recovering from pneumonia, at the tail end of it now.

and X was kind enough to let me have julian for a couple extra days while i am feeling better before i go back to work.

i missed out on a lot of work while sick, and havent rec my letter of release from my doctor yet so im at home anyway.

so from Friday night to Wednesday i get him. and i am having a blast.

i love my son so much.

i know that he is worth it. even when i am frustrated and sad about X i know that J is worth it.

we are worth it.

our love of family and our childs happiness is worth it.

we have done such a good job so far.

doesnt mean it isnt hard, but thats what makes me prouder : ]