little reminder...

seeing someones positive comment commending me on my ability to separate my feelings for the sake of my son, makes me rethink my actions.

i just gotta keep it in.

dont say what i wanna say.

because at the end of the day, whats important is the life i make for my son, which is directly influenced by how i handle EVERYTHING, including and especially things with his father.

additionally i realize the old saying "i just want to see "my ex" happy" is a farce.

its actually "i want to see him happy....if im happy"

or "i want to see him happy, but i want to be the one to make him happy".

because today as i talked to some wonderful men who i can laugh with and be real with, i realized i do have feelings for another person, besides X.

and its my hearts inability to let go, but want to move on that shows me growth is imminent.

sometimes growing up sucks.

whether you are growing up at 30...at 25....at 75...

there is always growth to be had.

i have much love for my sons father, and maybe the feelings will never go away, but i can also move on and find happiness.

im leaving options open, making sure hearts arent hurting, and that no one is broken because of my actions.

there are several men i am feeling comfortable around, and wanting to see where it goes. the beauty is i can get to know a person. when i met X it was a whirlwind romance, which worked for us, and was perfect for the growth of our beautoful boy. but the beauty is that a great love can come from either way,...whirlwind or gradual growth. and i am not going to rush anything.

im enjoying feeling love and happiness, and workign through emotions from X. the nice thing to acknowledge about my pain, is it means my love was real, and not just a facade.

i do love you X. i did love you. and i will love you for such a long time for what you are and what we have done together.

but life is ahead of me. regardless where i land, i know it is where i was meant to be.

and thats fucking beautiful.

(additionally, its amazing the clarity that comes with reflection and a new day full of new breaths and experiences. i surely wouldnt have felt this way the other day, but its amazing how pain and time to think can transform your heart. so if it hurts now...just give it time. itll be okay : ])