anger.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model

the kubler ross model of grief.

the 5 stages of grief.

i think it not only applies with death, which i have experienced many a time and am currently working through, but also in major life changes, or losing somethings of importance. For some this may play out as Divorce or Seperation of marriage. for some its losing that beautiful little child and having your spawn go down a road you dont want. or for some maybe its people whose parents are no longer in the picture.

in my situation, its the culmination and termination of my relationship with X.

you see for the past almost 8 months i have been in the denial stage.

i quit my job, went to school, that failed to pull through due to financial needs so i moved. out and away to a town 45 minutes away to give me some peacce. got a new job, new friends, started dating others.

but sometimes, and i can see this with clarity now that im past it, sometimes it felt like a dream, like it was surreal and not really my life. sometimes it felt like it was just temporary.

but now i have progressed.

when i got the notice from PGE that my services would get shut off on feb 8th, i just stared at the page for awhile. truth be told in my money management, i pushed that bill back. it was the one that i knew i would be able to float on for a bit, because they are always reasonable.

but this meant things were serious. im blessed that since October the total bill ijs only 140. but still. 140. and i got MAD.

mad at X. for all of it.

i did move, but my options would have been the same wherever i chose to live. i had quit a job id had for 5 years. i wasnt going to start with the same base pay id had. and it was X's idea for me to quit. i wasnt happy there, him and i were doing fine, and school was a dream of mine.

we broke up the week before school started...2 months after i quit my job.

when i left that job, id had a second income and assistance from him.

now im taking ont he same bills i had before making 6$ less per hour than i was at my old work. the bills are met, but barely...and thats sacrificing other bills.

i bargain buy, and probably should cut down on the coffee intake, but i maximize what i have an can get with minimal money.

i dont run the heat, i bundle up, i usually stay at friends houses to avoid driving so much. i work within my means. i know the end of my slump will come sooner than later.

but this is NOW. this isnt sooner. this isnt later.

and X, he is currently living with my brother. in addition to having a second income and not having to foot all the bills by himself, he still makes good money, 8$ more an hour than me.

he has no car payment, and because we still share the insurance to get the discounts, i pay about 65% of that bill.

he goes out weekly. i mean, goes out. either to a movie, or out to eat multiple times. he has an addiction tok food, not an unhealthy morbidly obese obsession, but X likes to cook.

no joke, when we lived together we had a comfortable life. lived modestly with our accessories so we could have experiences. and one time i had to have a sit down talk because he blew over 1k$ in groceries or food purchases in one month. he likes to cook big meals and has a tendency to not watch his funds.

another thing that makes me angry.

im SCRAPING by at times.

and he can go out to fancy dinners at expensive restaurants. he can go out to movies (3 times in the last 5 weeks). He can buy expensive things and i cant. he has credit, and i dont. he can use credit and i cant.

additionally, the lady he is seeing. comes from money. bought him kind of an inappropriate gift for christmas for only have been dating for a few weeks.

she drives a BMW. and is part of a car club. WHAT? i feel like i was replaced by someone with money, when i was with him i budgeted and let him do whatever he wanted. i bought him a les paul, paid for IN CASH. we bought new furniture, couches, new dining table. new xbox, dvd players, video games, movies, coast trips. we had a good life.

and im the only one thats had to sacrifice that.

im living very modestly. very.

bills are paid but im struggling. if i lost my job today id be lost. i know there is an end in sight for the lack of funds, but its not here, not now. and he is still living large.

additionally, if i need my brother, i just cant say "brother i need you, let me come over. i need to stay the night." because jamie may have that girl over.

also. he has been seeing this girl without the confines of commitment, sleeping with her, but not willing to commit to her, which is his choice...but he brings her around my child and doesnt realize that julian doesnt understand commitment. julian doesnt understand what that dynamic is. he sees pda and laughter and a relatioship without the respect of the situation. he is TWO.

part of it is i still love him. not gonna lie. part of it is that in all this, in all my crying and tears and sadness and adjustment, X has had to make little to no adjustments, and has been able to turn off the emotion switch. he can easily walk away from something and say that he doesnt care, because he truly doesnt. he has no concept of unconditional attachment and love.

i confronted him on this today because he invited me over, and then made the comment "this is my house" in regards to me playing on the computer and it being too loud. i hear that from him a lot. "do the dishes for me? its my house" "you can come over and sleep on the floor or the couch, its my house". "pick up j's toys please? its my house and youre in it" i always feel like an inconvenience.

i dont want to be friends. i dont. when we started "us" it wasnt as friends, and he sucks as a friend. he has no idea how his behaviors impact others. does that make me love him less? maybe a little. :]

but mostly, im frustrated that im paying off my engagement ring. knowing full well if i had let him keep it he would have sold it shortly after we broke up. i want to keep it for j. its not a bad omen to me. because it was given in love and accepted in love.

it is bothersome that last feb he proposed...fully prepared to say "for better or for worse" and then when worse came he ditched "us" like his pending vows were null and void.

not like im much better. i instigated a seperation. i needed time. things were so hectic and chaotic and i was having hard times coping with how life was becoming from work and school.

but still. he just threw us out.

im mad at him for that.

im mad at him for being unable to make love, and for our sex life suffering because we were on different wave lengths.

im mad at him for not calling the counselor when he said he would.

im mad at him for being successful while i am struggling.

im mad at him for his social life.

im mad at him for having my brother, and me not getting to see my family all the time whenever i want.

im mad at him for being a half assed friend.

im mad at him for so many things.

it feels good to be angry.

it feels good to have told him.

not that it matters much.

but it feels good.

i know one day when he goes down this road again im going to be there for him, and maybe he will realize what he had before.

but for now.

im mad at him.

and i dont wanna be unmad.

fuck.

luckily we are too good to let it interfere with our parenting. but shit. does anger have to be this consuming?

i should meditate or something. writing it all down both helps and fuels my anger fire.

this is a great post that helped me to feel a little less alone and a little less pissy : ]

http://www.danoah.com/2011/02/thousand-roads-through-hell.html